Mom & Pop Home School

It’s been so long since I wrote here that I’m having a hard time remembering how it all works. This past year or so has been an interesting one for me. There have been no major physical upheavals in our lives around here, but for me it has been a year of one emotional hurricane after another. Some of these things I’ve been fairly open about, some of them are known only to the principle parties involved, and some of it is deeply personal and will likely never be for sharing. I’ve had to do some serious soul-searching, and some remodeling on the ol’ personal paradigms. Some of this may find it’s way into my blog after it’s not quite so raw, but right now I’m not ready to laugh about it all yet. I am, I think, however, feeling that bloggy itch again. It’s a good feeling. So here I am to give it another go.

I won’t try to catch up with everything here, but will offer just a few brief words of orientation as to where we are right now.

We’ve decided to let go of the idea of adoption for a while, and we are allowing our foster care license to expire. As of the end of this month, we will no longer be licensed, and therefore no longer available for consideration. It’s something we may revisit down the road a few more years, but there are several considerations that make this best for our family right now. One is that Cricket has turned thirteen. He is a bona fide teenager! Can you believe it? And he’s growing into quite an amazing young man. But with adolescence come hormones–the kind that make “regular” kids have a hard time regulating their emotions and managing their lives.  We’re still not certain what exactly happens when we mix adolescent hormones with our particular autistic neurological symptom buffet, but we can tell already that it’s going to require parents who are as focused and well-rested as possible. And then there’s Sunshine, who made better progress at home this past school year than she did the year before at the local elementary school, but who is still struggling with reading and writing. She’s also entering a stage in her life where she is no longer quite as enthusiastically confident in herself, as she is becoming more aware of the wide, wide world around her and is sorting out her place in it. I think it will be good for her to have some time and space to work it out. And then there’s Mom. Mom needs to be off the roller coaster. I am tired and distracted too much by it and I need time to focus on the children I have, and not be subdivided by the waiting and wondering and trailing off down dead-end paths. I am at the same time grieving deeply over this decision and ever so much at peace about it. It is the right thing for right now. As our life seasons shift again we may re-evaluate.

 One of the new things around here is a new medication for Sunshine. We’ve done lots of things to make it easier for her to focus, and to do the high-focus kinds of work at her best times of day, but it just has not helped enough so we’ve decided to try adding a medication for ADHD to the mix and see how that goes for a while. I can see a difference already. I am sad that she needs this, but delighted that we’re seeing such good results already. Her pediatrician said that with her the side effect he was most concerned about was the appetite-suppressant nature of the medication. She is quite little for her age already and has never been a big eater. Interestingly, though, I’m finding that she’s able to focus enough at mealtime to actually EAT her meal, and then she doesn’t come looking for snacks in between meals. I think this will work out ok.

 Cricket did a trial off meds at his request. This time we discovered that he does fairly well without them as long as nothing unexpected or stressful comes up. During times of stress, however, he still has difficulty maintaining composure (that’s a nice way of saying he acts like a giant 2 year-old (except no hitting this go-round–YAY!). It didn’t take him very long to decide he liked life better on the meds, so he’s back on.

One good development in Cricket’s life is that he is beginning to reach out more socially. He has another friend now, with whom he has played occasionally, and who he sees at church regularly. He had both of his friends over at the same time once and decided (for very rational reasons that he thought up by himself and explained to me) that it really still works best for him to play with friends one at a time. I am glad he’s starting to be more open to letting people “in”.

More later. It’s good to be back.

I have been asked several times during my life whether I think in “words or pictures”, or “in black and white, or color”. I have always found these to be intriguing questions, because they imply that at least some other people out there think in either words or pictures, and if in pictures, some think in black and white, while others think in color. I have never been able to give a satisfactory answer to either of these questions because none of the options seem to describe how thought works for me. I wonder sometimes whether this is because I think differently than the folks who invented these questions, or whether the questions merely represent seriously flawed thinking on the subject of thought. All of which is more or less irrelevant to practical everyday life, since we cannot experience what goes on in other people’s heads to compare. However, the questions have given me opportunity to ponder the nature of thought, which can itself be an interesting exercise.

I have not come to any earth-shattering conclusions, of course, but in thinking about thinking, I would have to say that rather than thinking in words and/or pictures, I tend to think in clusters and connections. The clusters are formed of little bits of related data–words, pictures, sounds, tastes, textures, temperatures, scents, pressures, emotions and other things for which I do not have words. When I think of a thing, the amount of its cluster that comes to the forefront of thought depends on how focused I am on that thing. A passing thought of an “apple”, to take an example,  might bring up the way the word sounds, a generic visual representation, the crunch of biting into a good apple, and the way an apple smells. Focusing on apples would bring additional bits of the “cluster” relating to apples–varieties of apples, apple trees with their roots reaching down into the earth and conducting life into the fruit, things apples are used for and made into, quotes relating to apples (”an apple a day keeps the doctor away”), and lot of other tidbits relating to apples. The more I focus on any one part of the cluster, the deeper and richer the detail.  Describing a cluster like this in words is dicey, completely inadequate, and takes far, far too long. I’m not sure how to do it. It’s like a picture being worth a thousand words, only different and on a much denser scale. At any rate, each of these clusters also has multitudes of connections linking it to other clusters. The connections are each different, a different weight, thickness, intensity, texture….something. And each carries something that is a little like a tonal pitch. I dunno…I write it out and it looks kind of irrational…lol. Nonetheless, there it is. Clusters and connections. New information forms into new clusters or gets absorbed into existing ones. New information also triggers new connections, both between the new bits, and between new and old bits, coiling out and winding amongst the clusters, or snapping taut from here to there with a magnetic sort of twang. Not that space or distance is at all relevant. Huh…hard to describe. And sometimes bits of information that have been floating around in the back of my mind for years and years suddenly bump into each other and spark a new connection.

 All of which is to say, in the random sort of way I’m feeling today, and with very much more personal detail than anyone wants to know about me I’m sure, that I made a new  connection just the other day that has really gotten me noticing things in a new way, now and then. I am not sure yet how to put it into words, but I’m going to try because sometimes condensing things into words and sentences helps me sort out the clusters and clarify the connections.

I have been doing a bit of reading recently, in preparation for next year’s earth and space science course. The passage I was reading was about the formation, life cycle, and final destiny of stars. There’s a lot of interesting stuff there, I must say, but the thing that has me pondering life was a small bit in which the writer pointed out that a star can only exist when two tremendous opposing forces are operating in the proper balance.

A star forms in a nebula, which is an immense cloud of dust, debris, and gases (mostly molecular hydrogen) floating around out in space. Something (scientists are not yet certain what, but likely a shockwave from a supernova or the gravity of a passing galaxy or black hole) causes a part of the dust and gases to clump together. If the mass of the clump is sufficient, the gravitational force it generates causes the material to begin to collapse into itself, getting denser and denser (and rounder, incidentally). But as the density of the stuff increases, hydrogen atoms begin colliding at pressures that cause their nuclei to fuse together to form helium atoms, which results in the release of subatomic particles, and in the conversion of a minute amount of matter into a tremendous amount of energy. This happens over and over and over within the star, as lighter elements are converted into heavier ones over the life of the star.  The explosive expansive force generated by the nuclear fusion reactions within the star balance the force of gravity so that as gravity pulls the material in toward the center of the star, nuclear explosions simultaneously force the material outward. It is the opposition between these two immense forces that causes the star to be able to achieve a form of stability in which it will remain at a consistent size and level of energy output for hundreds of millions, if not billions of years. If the gravity is not sufficient to counter the nuclear fusion force, the mass flies apart in a huge explosion and turns into a cloud of cosmic dust and debris. If the amount of fuel for nuclear fusion is insufficient to counteract the pull of gravity, the material collapses into a cold, dark, inert body. A star can only be a star, a self-luminous celestial body that generates its own energy, when the two forces are operating within it in proper balance.

 Also of interest is the fact that life as we know it on earth–from minute bacteria to the great blue whale–is powered by the energy from our star, the sun. That’s a whole other complex and fascinating subject, but right now we’ll just leave it at that. Life is only possible when these two opposing forces are properly balanced, and when the power generated through that balance is effectively utilized.

It occurs to me also that both gravity and nuclear fusion exist independent of the star. They are present in the star because of the conditions in which the star was formed, but they did not come into being when the star was formed, rather they helped to shape the star. Further, it occurs to me that gravity and nuclear fusion both operate in a set, consistent way, according to previously established natural “laws”. An energy-generating, life-powering balance can only be found within the star because these two forces consistently operate according to these timeless, unchanging natural “laws”.

And this is the point at which something back in the mish-mashy conglomerate of clusters and connections within my mind rolled over and thrust out a new shoot that flipped around and stuck to something else waaaaay over on the other side somewhere in the “religion” super-cluster. It’s still in the process of forming connections and sub-connections and sending shoots out to other clusters, and I’m not sure what the end result will be once it all settles back down again, but I am finding a distracting number of connections associating the idea of balance between opposing forces in stellar celestial bodies, and a well-known (to LDS persons) passage in 1 Nephi in the Book of Mormon:

 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility. Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God. And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away.

“It must needs be that there is an opposition in all things.” Hmmm……

Today I was wished a happy Festivus. It got me to thinking.

A while back, on a homeschool forum I frequent in order to network with other homeschool moms, I asked the questions “What does ’sacred’ mean to you?”, and “What is sacred to you?” It seemed as though I’d had a few conversations scattered over several months in which someone had asked me something about LDS customs and beliefs, and when I’d explained that we do such and such because we consider this or that sacred, they didn’t really seem to “get” what I meant by that. I began to wonder whether that term had a different meaning to other people, and thought I’d get some input. The responses were, to me, surprising. Even in a forum dominated by strongly religious Christian people most of the responses seemed to be, “I’m not sure,” and “I’ve never really thought about it.” Some posters did expand on that a little, more along the lines of, “I guess it means holy. I’ve never really thought about it, but I guess I consider the Bible holy.” A pagan poster responded that things that are sacred are things that you shouldn’t mess with. But that didn’t really seem like a definition to me. You don’t “mess with” them because they’re sacred, they’re not sacred because you don’t “mess with” them. At least in my view. But she at least had a list of things that she thought you shouldn’t mess with, including (if I remember correctly) family, the earth, other people’s beliefs, and a few other things like that. 

The responses I got, though, did give me some insight as to why saying something was “sacred” didn’t help in those discussions of my beliefs. It wasn’t so much that the word had a different meaning, as that the word just had no meaning. To me, the idea of sacredness, sanctity, holiness, is one that ‘feels’ universal. I should be able to say a thing is “sacred” and have the concept understood, just as if I said the thing was “blue” or “cold” or “fuzzy”. It does seem, though, as if in our current, modern society very little is considered sacred. Perhaps nothing is sacred anymore, since the very concept of sacredness is becoming foreign. In some circles the idea of sacredness is distasteful–everything should be “equal” and therefore nothing should be ”special”, let alone special to the degree of “sanctity”. However, looking out from my own cultural window–from a perspective in which much is sacred, and the sacredness, the holiness, the wonder and preciousness of that which is sacred gives such richness and depth and meaning to my life–looking out my cultural window modern society seems distastefully superficial and narcisistic. I cannot see how any amount of neon lights, chemically-induced euphoria, trendy bits of plastic and wires, and frenetic leaping from one shallow, melodramatic “relationship” to another can even begin to fill the void left when the very concept of sacredness is removed. It seems to me sometimes as though the public obsession with celebrities, fashion, even intellectualism, is a search for something sacred–something “special”. People need SOMETHING to fill that emptiness.

Still, in that atmosphere it almost seems appropriate, in a twisted sort of way, that a new “holiday” (not to be confused with holy day) should be born, not out of anything remotely related to the holy or divine, but out of a superficial, jaded sitcom. If we reject the concept of sacredness and replace it with a new form of worship at the altar of air-brushed anorexic models, self-absorbed actors and designers, flashy gadgetry, mindless entertainment, and witty one-liners, we deserve a “holiday” based on telling the most important people in our lives how miserably they’ve failed to meet our self-centered expectations for them, decorating with an aluminum pole, and wrestling the head of household to the ground. It’s a nonsensical “holiday” that represents well the nonsensical ideals of modern society.

Me though, I think I’ll stick with my old-fashioned holy day. I will revel in the sacredness, the holiness, the divine grace and tender mercy that surround me and I will cherish it, because it is so very precious to me.

I’ve been avoiding posting after that last post. Things did not go as we had hoped, and J. did not join our family after all. I am not going to go into reasons here. It has been an emotional ride for all of us. It was heartwrenching to have to say no, but we feel it was the best decision for her as well as for us, and we are glad to have been able to make the decision before J. knew we were considering adopting her–she only knew she was staying with us for a few days while her foster family was out of town. We are getting a little tired of the roller coaster, but not ready to get off yet. We’re still hoping for a “next time” that works out a little better. I think this will be all I write about it. So now you’ve been updated, world, and I can get back to posting random nonsense at will without feeling like I need to confront this topic when I come here.

Today we got a message saying that we were approved as a foster/adopt placement for 5 year-old “J”. I am happy for us, sad for birth mom, and have terribly mixed feelings for “J”, who gets to bear the brunt of all the decisions made by grown-ups on her behalf.

So why do I say the joke’s on me? Well, it’s like this. I have noticed, over the years, that major events in my life seem to follow a particular pattern. It kind of makes me feel that God has my life well in hand–which is a good thing, because I certainly do not. You see, I am only allowed to feel confident, competent, and in control for a couple of weeks at a stretch. As soon as I start feeling like my head has broken the surface of the life-is-too-overwhelming pond in which I swim, and I’ve had a chance to catch one big breath and look around for the shore–just look for it, mind you, not actually identify its location, or figure out a vague direction in which to paddle, that is when the next big thing hits. So I have to stay light on my feet, grab those two-week long breathers of calm confidence on those rare occasions on which they occur, and just keep swimming. It always comes out right in the end–just in time for the next big thing, of course, but it does always come together eventually. For example, this spring, just as I had started feeling truly confident about teaching Cricket, that I might actually be able to pull this teaching gig off on a long-term, probably through high school kind of basis, that is when Sunshine started really floundering at school and was diagnosed with ADHD–leading to much angst about what to do about her education and an eventual decision to homeschool them both.

This past summer I have been somewhat in a panic about homeschooling two raging ragamuffins. My biggest concern was just how we were going to get through our days and have everyone accomplish a reasonable amount of educational progress in the process. Both of my kids learn best in a fairly intense one-on-one tutoring kind of set up. In fact, sometimes they seem to think they are incapable of doing anything unless I am sitting there at least watching them do it, if not talking them through or helping them along. I have been trying to gradually convince them otherwise–with some success, too–but I was very concerned that bringing Sunshine home for her schooling would result in both of them regressing in their independence, each of them demanding that I work only with that child, and whichever one I was not with at the time either wandering absentmindedly off to do something else, or having a full-blown fit and refusing to even try without me breathing down their neck. So I spent a good amount of time and mental energy over the summer working out systems, choosing materials, and making plans. As the school year approached, I became ever increasingly nervous because while I thought I’d worked up a pretty good structure that would keep us all moving in the right direction academically, meet each child’s individual special needs, support their growing independence, and maintain a reasonably peaceful, productive flow to our days, there was no way to know whether I’d gotten it “right” until we actually tried it.

Which brings us to the “joke’s on me” part. During the early parts of August, several friends and family members spoke with me about our plans and my feelings about teaching both children. I remember explaining to them that I was incredibly nervous about it, but I knew my plan was a good one, and I was pretty sure that two or three weeks into the project things would be going smoothly, we’d have worked out any kinks, and I’d get over my nerves, and all would be well. Woo hoo! I also distinctly remember telling at least two or three people amongst my concerned relations and acquaintances something very similar to this: “And just you watch. Right about then, just when things are going smoothly and I start to feel like I actually do have things more or less under control and I’m starting to feel like this really is going to work out after all, THAT is when DCFS will call up and say, ‘Hey, we have a child for you,’ and it’ll be the real thing that time. After a year and a half of waiting, THAT’s when it’s going to happen. And it’ll throw our whole schedule off because we’ll have to suddenly work in public school attendance for one child while homeschooling the rest, and therapy appointments, and visitations, and court dates and all that, and then I’ll feel all frantic and overwhelmed again.”

And….here we ARE! 

(I truly am excited about having J join our family, and I know that although it will cause some upheaval in the beginning, it will all be worth it in the end. I am also laughing hysterically, inside my own head, about the timing. And I am a little nervous about one more thing too…I seem to remember adding a codicil to the above ‘prediction’….something along the lines of a notion that just when our new child was starting to really feel like a part of the family and the judge said it was all permanenty and all, that that’s when we’d find out I was pregnant….) 

So, no I did not fall off the face of the earth. I just took a bit of a burnout break there for awhile. Hey, it happens, ya know? But life at Mom and Pop’s keeps on a-keepin’ on. With a vengeance. In the interest of getting up to speed while maintaining a reasonable level of brevity, I offer this list:

• Sunshine has been diagnosed with ADHD (combined inattentive/hyperactive subtype). WHEEE! Yes, this IS my cheerful, cooperative, easygoing, laid back child—which kinda puts things into perspective in a way. The “easy” child is the one riddled with ADHD. Who knew?
• As a result of this (and several other factors), we decided to home school Sunshine as well, so now I have two students. I fully admit that this had me moderately terrified all summer, but now that we’re a few weeks in, it is really going amazingly well. Yay!
• Cricket is really becoming a mature, responsible, independent, helpful young man. I can not even believe the difference between this boy and the one I originally brought home from school. I also can not believe he’s a seventh grader!
• This summer I published a course guide for secular middle school level physical science. It gave me quite a feeling of accomplishment and made science much easier to pull off at my house too. And even though I didn’t get it online and on the market until just before time for school to start, a few people have even bought it. Yay! Hopefully it makes their lives easier too. I’m thinking I’ll do another one for next year. I have not yet begun the project, but I’m thinking in the direction of a 9th grade level biology course. If you know of fabulous resources for that, I’m all ears (but don’t make promises to use your suggestions in the course guide, sorry).
• Also over the summer we have done paperwork, training, safety inspections and so forth for our foster license to be renewed. Things being what they are around here we’ve decided to expand our “preferences” to include foster care as well as ‘adoptive only’ placements. We’ve had several close calls, but still no actual placements. We are currently in pre-placement limbo with a cute 5 year-old girl. This time it’s gone as far as actually meeting her, her foster mom, and her birth mom, and we have an appointment tomorrow to review her file. It will likely be a while yet before we know anything definite.

And that about sums up the excitement around here.

Today Cricket finally internalized a very important academic concept that if retained will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. What is this vital tidbit plucked from the wisdom of the ages, you ask?

You can skip a question or problem and move on to the next one.

Up until recently he had this funky hang-up in his brain somewhere that caused a total system shut-down if he came across something he couldn’t answer, or that was intimidating enough to cause an unacceptable level of stress. Then, if pushed, utter meltdown could ensue. I was ever so grateful when he got to the point late last year where he could hang on to his composure (most of the time) long enough for me to come walk him through the problem very calmly and carefully and then he could go on.

Have you seen the movie A Bug’s Life? Right near the beginning there’s a line of ants carrying seeds to the anthill, and a leaf falls in between one ant and the ant in line behind him. That ant can no longer see the ant ahead of him, and he PANICS! What are they going to DO? Where’s the LINE? The line is GONE! OH NO OH NO OH NO!!! The ants behind him begin slamming into each other and the whole line comes to a screeching halt. Quickly, a supervisor ant rushes over to help. He calms the ant down, gets him to focus on his eyes, and says something like, “Now remain calm. We are going AROUND the leaf. Ready? Here we go…around the leaf…a little more…look right at my eyes…it’s ok…a little further…and HERE’s the LINE!” The worker ant is SO grateful and relieved! And once contact with the way forward has thus been re-established the line of ants continues following each other around the leaf, back to the line, and on down into the ant hill.

That’s kind of where we were. Wait! Don’t panic! Follow me and we can get THROUGH this! Now…pick up your pencil…

Only today he was working independently on his math (hooray!), and I happened to be…um…occupied in the lavatory…ahem. He’s been really good about math lately, so I wasn’t concerned–only we forgot his meds yesterday morning, and then when I went to clear the breakfast dishes halfway through the morning I found this morning’s dose still sitting there next to his plate (mommy slept in this morning…hasn’t been feeling well the past few days.) I had him take it then, but it hadn’t had time to be absorbed, and his blood levels of meds were already down from missing it yesterday. So there I was in the bathroom and I heard him start to hyperventilate and then holler, “MOOOOOM!” Just like that ant going, “There’s a leaf! Where’s the LINE?”.

Only I could not rush in to defuse and redirect. So I hollered back, “I can’t come yet! Can you skip it and move on to the next one?”

The hyperventilating increased…”NOOOOOOO! It’s tooo HAAAAAARRRRDDD!  I CAN’T…DO…IT…” pant, pant, pant. (Poor kid.) 

I thought, great. There goes school for at least half an hour, and all because I needed a trip to the loo. But I thought it was worth another try, “Just put your hand over that one and try the next one! I’ll help you with it when I get out! You can do this! Take a deep breath…”

Pantpantpant pant pant….pant…..pant………..pant………….   “Ok. I’ll TRY!” Silence.

.

.

.

“Hey, it worked!”

(Fancy that.) 

Me: “Great! Now try the next one!”

 By the time I was out, he’d skipped two more and almost finished the rest of the lesson (did I mention I’ve been having tummy issues the past few days? It took me a little while. Blush.) We both enthused about how nice it is not to have to panic, and to be able to only have three unfinished problems and be calm, instead of eleven unfinished problems and be a wreck because you couldn’t move on. You could just about see the lightbulb floating in the air over his head. I really hope it doesn’t disappear when he goes to sleep.

 For now, though….

 .

Yay!