Mom & Pop Home School

I’m frustrated. I admit it, I’m not really sure what to do with this.

With Mitt Romney’s presidential candidacy, it seems that my faith, Mormonism, is going to be increasingly in the spotlight; for example, tonight the first part of a 4 hour documentary will air on PBS. And with this increasing attention, it seems that individual people who believe as I do will increasingly be questioned about our beliefs. (I’m not going to drag out specific examples in here, but let’s just say it’s starting up already.) I have very mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, of course I welcome the opportunity to talk about my beliefs and help other people at least understand accurately where I’m coming from. There is a huge lot of misinformation out there about us and our beliefs, and I would love the opportunity to clear up some of those misunderstandings. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no such thing as a “dumb question” about our beliefs, so long as it’s asked courteously, and discussed reasonably. And yes, if someone decided they liked what they saw and wanted to be a part of it, of COURSE I would be thrilled for them. But if they want to hate me for what I believe, that’s okay with me too, really—as long as they hate me for what I ACTUALLY believe. And as long as they respect my freedom to believe as I choose. I’ll gladly do the same for them.

Which brings me to “the other hand”. It seems that I can ALSO anticipate an increase in a particular kind of conversational interaction that I really dislike, because it’s a catch-22 and I have not yet found a satisfactory way to conclude the interaction without bad feelings. Maybe someone out there can help me figure out a better way of handling these situations.

The kind of interaction I’m referring to generally begins with my being approached by someone who has been to some kind of class or seminar about Mormonism in which they’ve been given some pretty inflammatory misinformation about our beliefs. And usually part of their “education” has included information as to the nature and character of Mormons, which generally divides Mormons into two “types”—the deceivers, and the deceived. Most Mormons, they have been told, are just gullible dopes who have been bamboozled into Mormonism by clever tricksters who tell them whatever they want to hear, but never, never the “truth” about what the church “really” teaches. The seminar then proceeds to drag out a lot of sensationalistic garbage all dressed up to look credible, and the rapt students, horrified to learn what Mormons don’t even know they believe, go home feeling very wise and holy, and much too smart to be taken in by THAT nonsense.

So then, later on when they discover that I happen to BE one of those pitiful Mormons, we have a conversation along these lines: (more…)

Q: What do caterpillars study in school?

A: Moth-ematics.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left half in a horrible accident?

A: Don’t worry, he’s all right now.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?

A: French flies.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

I’m borrowing this idea from my friend bon, aka “the mama“. I can’t, for some reason, figure out how to link to the exact posts over there at the moment, but if you dig in the archives on March 8 and 9, that’s it.

I’m having a hard time thinking of stuff to write recently, and I’m about to run out of joke days, since I’m only doing that for the month of April. But I find blogging theraputic, and heaven knows I need therapy, so I’m hitting you guys up for some post ideas. Ask me questions. Ask me anything. Homeschool, politics, religion, childrearing, career, current projects, is that my real hair color (yes, all the gray is genuine and hard won, thanks for noticing), do I paint my toenails, what’s my favorite cheesecake flavor…y’know, whatever. I will answer any question on any subject, so long as it is asked politely :). Caveat: if the question is too personal, you’ll get an answer, but it might be suitably vague. Additional caveat: contrary to popular opinion (snark!) I don’t know everything, so don’t be surprised if my answer is occasionally a blank stare—although I do happen to know which came first, the chicken or the egg.

 Comments have been so scarce lately (because what can you say to a dumb joke, really) that I’m starting to feel like I’m talking to myself. So some of you out there who read but never comment, jump on in and help me out here! As soon as there are 5 questions, I’ll knock out some answers.

And…..GO!

Q: What did to ocean say to the seashore?

A: Nothing. It just waved.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

…and bless our food, and bless Dad, and bless Cricket, and bless me, and bless Mom, and—Heavenly Father, tonight is Mom’s night off. You hafta make it go back ON again, okay? And bless…

Q: How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?

A: You bump your nose on the ceiling.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

Q: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

A: To connect its body to its head.

(Highlight the area between the “A:” and this line to see the answer)

At lunch today, Sunshine declared that Cricket was smarter than Mom. (She currently thinks EVERYONE is smarter than Mom, the rotten little soul.) Cricket liked that notion, and to prove it, he asked me, “Whats a hundred times a hundred?” I promptly replied, “Ten thousand.” “What?!” he exclaimed, “How did YOU know that.” “I know lots of things,” I said, “Can you tell me what is eight times nine?” (I picked that one because I know he can never remember it.) He looked stumped. I informed him that it was seventy-two, and see, he did still have a few things he could learn from me.

Sunshine, not to be outdone, started quizzing me (as if she knows anything about multiplication). “Mom, what’s two times seven?” “Fourteen,” says I. ”Oh yeah, Mom, what’s two times eighteen?” (She clearly had picked what she considers a BIG number—she’s still working on counting past twelve.) “Thirty-six,” says I. She furrowed up her little brow, determined to stump me with a REALLY big number. “What’s two times a HUNDRED!” “Two hundred.” Now she was GOING to stump me if it was the last thing she did (before finishing her sandwich)! “Mom,” she announced triumphantly after a moment’s thought, “what’s two times TREE?” Ok, I did hesitate at that one a little….two times tree? (Does she mean three? No, she never says three that way…) ”Uh….” I said after a moment, “Two trees?” She looked crestfallen. “Correct,” she declared. Then wonderingly, “How did YOU know?”